I am Fabulous Regardless
by Bleach-ed-Na-tsu
Summary: Lussuria is the 'Big sister' of the Varia, so it is only right that he ensure they look their best all the time. Sometimes that even means teaching the big-bad-assassins how to wash and care for their wonderful unforms. Two-shot centered around the wonderful Lussuria.
1. Chapter 1

**Please don't ask where this came from. There is a second-shot to finish this up it should be finished by the end of the weekend.**

**Enjoy despite my spelling, grammar, and habit of switching tenses.**

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I am fabulous regardless.

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There was one thing that you could be certain of when you entered the Varia mansion. You were in for one hell of a visit.

There would not be bullet holes in the walls or scorches on the carpet; the mansion was rich in colour and art with spattering of trophies- of various assortments- dotted on shelves or on tables throughout. But that was in the 'public' section of the mansion where Maids and Butlers spend hours cleaning and caring for the area where the subordinates lived and spent their time.

The inner part of the mansion was another story.

If you were to enter there was more than one thing you could be assured of.

One, you most likely weren't coming out unharmed. Bel or Levi would most likely chase you –for differing reasons- and would end up maiming or using you as target practice.

Secondly you will be deaf, or close to by the time you leave, even if you don't meet Squalo in person it is likely that you will hear him no matter where you are in the inner mansion; sometimes you can hear him in the 'public' part of the mansion too.

Thirdly, ensure you bring lots of money and lots of booze, because that is the only way you will get out of there alive should you come across the only person in the world with _every_ kind of blackmail available, and the boss who thinks breaking glasses on his second-in-command's head it the most entertaining thing in the world; in this instance keeping the glass full is your best bet.

Despite all this, and even with all his complaining Lussuria was adamant that they were one big, happy family.

Xanxus was the strict Papa who enforced too many rules and had that wonderfully unique way of showing his affection, especially towards their Mama.

Squalo without a doubt was Varia's Mama, he has an equally unique way to show affection and all that yelling hid his care for everyone.

Levi was the over-zealous mutt trying to show its master its new trick.

Mammon was the grouchy teenage girl who was obsessing over money like it were a hunky boy.

Bel was that one teenager going through the rebellious streak; poor boy was still determined to be King.

Fran was the new baby who everyone wanted to dote upon, he had yet to give himself a stand-out position in the family. Lussuria knew that Fran would be the 'good-child'.

And of course Lussuria was the loving big-sister. He was the one who made sure everyone was fed and that their injuries were taken care of. He was also the one who designed and made their wonderful uniform. He was also the one that taught all the good life skills to the rest of the Squad.

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Lussuria took one look at their clothing as they entered their warm house and was utterly distraught. They were covered in blood and mug and their clothes were full of rips. They had a little too much fun with their latest mission, even Lussuria would admit that.

But the fun disappeared when he overheard Bel's comment. "Well the Prince won't be caught in such rags. Looks like it's time for a bonfire. Ushishishishi."

Immediately Lussuria was back in Mama mode.

"Oh my~" he cooed dangerously. "I don't think so little Mr."

Of course Bel rounded on Lussuria before the sentence was fully out of the effeminate man's mouth. "Ushishishishi, don't think you can order the Prince around, woman-peasant."

Lussuria raised one perfectly manicured eyebrow and crossed his arms over his thick chest. He squared Bel with that look and watched with satisfaction as the boy gulped and frowned. "What was that?"

"U-Ushishishi. T-The Prince was just saying that he was going to go clean his clothes _right now._"

"That's what I thought." Lussuria explained as he shooed Bel towards their washing chamber.

Fran followed closely after with that mocking monotone in his voice. "Sempai. Why did you listen to Lussuria? I thought you listened to no one."

"Ushishishi, little foggy will learn in time that you listen to the feminine-peasant if you value your life."

Lussuria turned to the rest of the Varia, all of whom had heard the little 'discussion' between Lussuria and Bel and had turned to watch the violence, only to be disappointed when there was none. "And you?" Lussuria asked. "Don't you think you should be getting along now too? The longer those stains stay there the harder it will be to get them out of your wonderful clothes~"

Squalo and Levi were actually the first to speak up, both could care less about their clothing, Xanxus enforced the uniforms but rarely made a comment about the state of it. "VooiiiiiI! What makes you think that I'll listen to you, scum?"

"Only Bossu can order me around. If you value your life you'll keep your mouth shut."

"Besides, these uniforms are tacky, useless trash like this; it doesn't matter if it stays dirty," Squalo regretted the words even before the left his mouth.

Lussuria was livid. There was sheer annoyance and rage flowing off of him as his foot tapped out his annoying staccato. The Varia were well known and feared, if they were seen in soiled, torn clothing what would that say about them? About Lussuria?! He wouldn't have it, after all the hard work he put into their wonderful wardrobe Lussuria would not allow it –or their name- be tarnished because the members of their Squad were lazy and didn't appreciate high-fashion.

"You will all clean your clothes. Now." And not even Xanxus could really argue with the tone in the man's voice. Even Xanxus had the indignant flush on his face as they stalked to the laundry garage- yes it was as large as a three or four car garage- to clean their soiled uniforms. Though that didn't mean that Xanxus would clean his clothes.

Lussuria looked over his teammates with pity as they tried and failed to get the blood out of their uniforms. Xanxus cackled from his throne as he threw glasses at Squalo. Lussuria could only roll his weight onto his left leg and rest his hands on his slightly feminine hips.

He shook his head exasperatedly, Bel wasn't even trying to clean the tan fabric of the slashing of red and Fran hadn't even taken his jacket and pants off yet. Squalo was making a valiant attempt, but that bleach would do very little for the blood. Levi looked so lost, poor dear. Mammon had the best idea, though she was a little hesitant to pay up to get the robes cleaned. Lussuria could only sigh, valiant attempts they may be, but the Varia were suppose to be the best, and here they were struggling with washing.

As for him, well Lussuria may be covered in blood and mud, his hair may have dulled a little because he hadn't had time to die it that month, and his glasses may have had spider-web cracks in them, but he was fabulous regardless.

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**So could this be considered crack? XD**

**I honestly have a sudden fondness for Lussuria and figured he should have his own one-shot to show how fabulous he is.**

**Thank you so much for reading, I'd appreciate it if you dropped in a review, but hey, thanks anyway!**

**~~Bleach-ed-Na-tsu :3**


	2. Chapter 2

**And here if the second chapter XD I feel I just needed to do something crack-ish. I really enjoyed writing these two chapter so I hope you enjopyed reading them!**

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I may be fabulous, but you need work.

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Lussuria was a patient man; after all he dealt with the Varia, their whims and their lack of tack every day and had dealt with them for years. So he had a saint's patience.

But one thing he could not deal with was how _useless _squad were. He was figuratively in pain watching as the squad stood in the laundry chamber without a _single_ clue as to how to wash their clothes. It was painful and pitiful.

"Stop." He exclaimed. "Stop it right now before your destroy your clothes!"

Squalo had proceeded to try and wash blood out with cold water.

Mammon had simply tossed her cloaks into the washing basket without pre-treatment.

Bel had proceeded to strip off the 'scraps' and almost ripped and even larger hole in them.

As to Lussuria's assessment Fran was the closest, he at least had the sense to grab some bleach, though what he was doing with it Lussuria didn't know.

Levi had run out of the laundry room as soon as they entered screaming about 'Bossu's throne!'.

Speaking of Boss, the man had a gleeful smirk on his lips as he sipped on the Whiskey he had retrieved on their way into the basement cleaning facility.

Ignoring the boss and dog-like subordinate, Lussuria fluttered into the center of the room with an exaggerated clap to gather everyone's attention. "Alright everyone~! I'm going to show you what everything is." Lussuria danced around the room picking up various cleaning supplies, explaining carefully what each one was used for.

"This is a spot cleaner, if you have a toughie-toughie mark you put this on before washing it~" The eccentric man sang as he waved around a pen-like device.

"This is bleach; you need to be careful because some of your clothes will turn white or blue if you use it. Don't worry though, I made sure your Varia uniforms are far better quality than that~"

"This is a washing machine and dryer, it's simple to use!" Clapping his hands Lussuria pointed to the box of washing power and bottle of softener that sat atop the upright white machine. "You just put one scoop of this powered into the little slide here-" pointing to the drawer he pulled out of the side of the machine, "- and half a capful of this liquid next to it." Smiling as he watched the various members follow his movement Lussuria clapped once more.

"Okay then, I want to see I you all understood that!~"

"Why does the prince have to do peasant chores?" Bel sighed as he grinned, he sat o the floor spinning the spot-remover pen with practiced skills. "Can't you just do it? Peasant woman?"

"Clean your own clothes. Now." With that everyone stopped, clothes were dropped and the washing machine even seemed to stutter under Lussuria's killer intent.

With scrambled feet the entire Varia skittered and slipped around the room trying to clean their mess before they were killed by the Nee-san of Varia.

"Sempai. Why is Lussuria so scary?" but even before Bel could speak Squalo had slapped his hand over Fran's mouth. "Ow Shark-Sempai, that hurt."  
"You'll hurt more if you don't keep that loose fucking mouth of yours closed around Lussuria. Learn from that shitty-prince, that fucking insane idiot will kill you if you're not careful."

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"Boss~" Lussuria called as he made his rounds and check that everyone was doing okay and wasn't ruining their clothing. "How are you doing? Have you figured out how to work the washing machine yet?"

Xanxus for the most part wanted to roll his eyes, but he knew better than to aggravate the eccentric fighter. Instead a large, vicious smirk lifted his lips and he made two short, sharp whistles. And, wouldn't you know, Levi appeared at his side before the second whistle was finished.

"What can I do for you Bossu?"

Xanxus threw his jacket at Levi's face and smirked when Lussuria only lifted his delicate eyebrow. "Trash, that needs washing."  
Levi seemed to brighten like he was given a new umbrella for Christmas. A quick salute and an affirmative 'right away bossu' and the lightning guardians was throwing Bel and Fran from the washer-dryer with a quick, loud exclamation explaining that they could watch the spin-cycle later.

"Boss! That wasn't the point of me teaching you!" Lussuria pouted. "You were supposed to learn to do it yourself."

Xanxus actually squared Lussuria with a deadpan look. "Trash! Since when have I ever done anything for myself? I have you useless pieces of trash to do it for me." As if to reiterate his point Xanxus scanned the room and found Squalo trying to get Fran's hat off of his head. The boss reached down beside his throne and retrieved a new box of washing powder. With an aim that even a baseball pitcher would envy the box sailed through the room and struck Squalo square in the back of the head where it proceeded to explode and sent washing powder not only all over Squalo, but young Fran too.

"Voooiiiii! Idiot boss what do you want?!" An aggravated shark spun around, brushing the washing powder from his long hair as he did, and squared Xanxus with an annoyed glare.

"Rare with a Jacket potato." Xanxus muttered. Squalo seemed to take on an angry look that Lussuria was sure meant the Shark's blood pressure was rather high.

"Stupid fucking boss, ordering us a-fucking-round." Despite his mumbling Squalo left to get Xanxus' steak. Lussuria could only look on with a mix of amusement and exasperation.

"I don't need to learn shit, effeminate-trash." Xanxus smirked, "But teach the other trashes, I'm tired of having to order new pants because that lightning-trash over there keeps shrinking them."  
With that Xanxus got up and stalked out of the room, Lussuria could only shake his head at his boss. The point was that Xanxus was supposed to clean his _own_ clothes. Then again, Lussuria followed Xanxus because he was rather unique, deciding that Xanxus was fine Lussuria turned to yell at Mammon who was trying to use her illusions to hide the giant rip in the back of her cloak.

While Lussuria was fabulous- looking and at everything he did- the others could use some work.

"Okay everyone!~ It's time for me to teach you how to sew!~"

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**I seriously couldn't help myself XD**

**This was actually supposed to be Xanxus' last line of speech but I thought it was pushing it a little. XD: **"But teach the other trashes, I'm tired of having to order new pants because that lightning-trash over there keeps shrinking them; I'm already damn sexy and don't need help from the fucking trash."

**Thank you for reading I'm glad you took the time to read this!**

**~~Bleach-ed-Na-tsu :3**


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